In the height of a relationship that has taken a wrong turn, you feel like you are in a washing machine with the spin cycle on repeat. You feel exhausted from hammering home the same points which seem to do nothing but escalate the tension between you and your partner and create a divide so large you couldn’t leap across it if you tried.

When I take a hard look at my past relationships and the amount of energy I wasted fighting the same fight again and again, I realize there was good reason we were stuck in a spin cycle. There was something not quite right with our relationship. And while I couldn’t identify it, I also couldn’t ignore my feelings. Not only is continuous fighting over the same subject a waste of energy, it can also be a major red flag. It could be your gut sounding the alarm that this partnership is not right for you. I stayed for way too long in relationships that weren’t right for me because I didn’t want to see that maybe it wasn’t the best match. Looking back on it all, loop fighting, was my smoke signal warning of what was to come.

So what is a loop fight, anyway? I suppose the best way to recognize it is when a smaller annoyance such as cabinets being left open or a bed going unmade, ignite the larger fight for survival. The fight gets so big you feel like the essence of who you are is being threatened and could potentially be snuffed out completely. In a loop fight, without hesitation, you’re willing to put everything on the line to defend yourself. Why is the energy so big and raw? Because you or your partner is demanding the other CHANGE who he or she is.

If you’re asking an introvert to be an extrovert or an urbanite to be a nature enthusiast these are just a few examples of asking your partner to change who he or she is. INSTEAD, you should be asking YOURSELF, why do I want my partner to change? If I had done this the first time I asked a partner to change I’d have saved a lot of time and energy diving head first into the spin cycle. I realize now, that when I asked past partners to change, it was because I didn’t like certain aspects of who they were. If you can think of a laundry list of things you’ve asked your partner to change, maybe it’s you who needs to change partners. To all my exes I tried to change. I’m sorry. I should’ve left you the hell alone. It really was ME, not YOU.

Am I encouraging you break up with your partner if you’re stuck in a spin cycle? No, but if you choose to stay, I am asking you take ownership for what you sign up for long term. You fell in love with a certain person then you asked/demanded/fought tooth and nail for him or her to CHANGE. There’s a 90% chance this WON’T HAPPEN. Are you okay with being with your partner long term as is? Understanding why you’re asking and doing the work within yourself can provide you with clarity on the non-negotiables YOU WANT out of life. And if those non-negotiables don’t line up with your partners, know that it is okay. Being aware of this is actually great! You have the power to decide to continue to fight (feeling like a part of you is being denied or you’re denying who your partner really is) or to take a big step in the direction that is right for YOU (with or without your partner). We get one life, don’t waste it having the same fight.