It was the day of the big party for our oldest. I remember it was unusually hot for LA a full 80 degrees and no breeze.  Would we get a good turnout? Locals here are spoiled with a temperature range typically between 65 and 75 degrees, anything above or below that and people have the tendency to cancel social plans and not leave the house. Thirty minutes into the party, I got a text saying Apple Jacks had arrived. I felt like skipping out onto my driveway as I walked to meet her! I had done it! The clown was real and clearly she was professional as she arrived right on time.

My first impression of Apple Jacks was that she was neither “cute,”nor “bouncy,” nor “adorable” but definitely tried her best to be friendly and approachable. Apple Jacks was 6 ft plus flat footed. She had big green clown shoes, and bright green bob wig and traditional/scary white face paint and  the classic/scary red bulbous nose. Remaining optimistic, I thought, okay so her look is traditional and she’s tall but if she has a sweet voice the kids will see through the makeup. Wrong. When she began to speak and immediately I thought of an old boss I had. She was a hard partier and sports fanatic and could best be described as tall, aggressive, with a low gravely voice. AJ’s general affect didn’t seem well suited for preschoolers. Prisoners maybe,  but not 4 year olds. Wanting to make sure my newest guest was as comfortable as possible, I set her  up in a nice chair at the patio table got her ice water and offered her pizza or Costco snacks. Then I removed myself to the periphery to watch her work her magic. Her first move was calling out the birthday boy like a referee carding for physical contact on the court. BIG MISTAKE.

Apple Jacks: Did I hear there was a birthday boy turning 4 at this house?!? Is his name Mateo?!?!?

As soon as the spotlight came upon him, Mateo dashed from the backyard inside to the safety of his own living room.  His younger sister quickly followed him. It was as if in a split second and without words, they decided ain’t nobody going to die by clown today. Uh Uh… NO WAY!  I bet they would’ve gladly given over their 1 year old younger brother as sacrificial lamb to save their own hides. It all felt like one of those old Mastercard commercials: Apple Jacks the clown? $120. Scaring the shit out of your own kid on his birthday? Priceless.

Most all of the 4 year olds, i.e. my target audience, were scared of Apple Jacks. Could I blame them? She was winning. no one over with that Demi Moore with laryngitis voice. Think Marge Simpson’s smoking sisters. Only the older siblings in attendance dared approach for face painting. So she spent most of her time painting the faces of everyone but the kids in Mateo’s class. I felt bad for the kids, bad for AJ who I’m sure also didn’t want to be there so I tried to gently nudge her along.

Me: Hey, Apple Jacks. Any chance we can do the magic show so everyone feels a bit more comfortable?

The magic show was dominated by one older kid answering all the questions and but the little ones did stay to watch. After the magic show, back she sat down at the patio table to paint faces again. I heard a gasp and the next thing I knew Apple Jacks was flat on her back! She had tipped backwards in her chair. Some of the dad’s hauled her to her feet.  I grabbed her more water asked her if she was okay if she needed an ice pack? Suddenly I felt really bad for her. This poor lady sweating her butt off in our backyard in full clown makeup wig and polyester costume. It wasn’t her fault. She’s just trying to make some money for herself. Our chairs are flimsy and if you lean back even a little bit the high backs pull you backwards. I felt terrible and decided she deserved a big fat tip. If not for the discomfort she endured, then for my immediate judgment of her and the hilarity that ensued.

Later that evening, Larry starts cracking up out loud thinking about the the earlier event and the gasps we heard when AJ went down.

Larry: Oh Apple Jacks. HAHA! That was a good one babe.

Me: Laugh it up Chuckles. I’m booking her for YOUR birthday next year.

Have I learned my lesson that you get what you pay for when it comes to entertainment? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I believe that going for the deal and holding on tight for what may come is the spice to life. Right before our wedding I paid a random guy named Frank from and Asian cultural center $300 to put on a traditional dragon dance at the reception. I had no idea what it would be like or how long it would last but the price was right and it was awesome! Roll the dice, and if it all goes sideways? Well, you live to tell the tale.

This past spring was a new experience for us. It was the first time our oldest was invited to classmates birthday parties. We attended out first 4 year old birthday party at the end of March and it felt strange socializing out into the world again. Pandemic was starting to loosen its grip on the community after the winter surge and everyone was feeling more comfortable going to gatherings (most still masked). We had all gotten the Omicron variant in February so we were also feeling a bit braver attending group settings. As parents, we were excited to see Mateo attend birthday parties because turning 3 was in lockdown.

The first 4 year old birthday party we attended set the bar high. The family rented space by the carousel on the pier and threw a Little Mermaid themed party for their daughter. The classmates got wristbands for unlimited carousel rides and there were all these cute little toddler sized tables with turquoise table clothes decorated for under the sea vibes. Damn, I thought. This is well done. I have a couple of months to figure out Mateo’s party.

I love to entertain and I love party planning. In a previous life I worked as a wedding event planner’s assistant in Chicago.  By the time my own wedding came around a decade later,  I had a reference point of what wedding flower rates, venue rates, entertainment rates etc were for this kind of affair. It turns out children’s birthday parties in West LA often are professional events in their own right and it appears there is no budget cap.

There we are, under the sea and I found myself mesmerized by the color coordination and overwhelmed at putting the same amount of work into a party. No sooner had I gotten my head out of the clouds and back in the ocean where it belonged, in walked Ariel. She looked like a Disneyland Ariel and sounded like a Broadway star.  Mila and I were mesmerized by her voice. I had an immediate flashback to all the sad sack Santa’s at the mall we used to visit as kids. Most of them smelled like cigarettes and booze. Now that I think about it, I’d never seen this level of children’s entertainment,.  After the party I asked the parents where they found such magical entertainment. She directed me to a youtube channel where you can see and hear all the characters voices before booking. It felt like I was reviewing audition tapes. I went home that night and started down my youtube rabbit hole of Disney entertainment. I went to the website. Ariel made $400 for one hour!  I began to wonder if there was any need for a tired, chubby mom who could sing so I could have a side hustle like Ariel. STAY FOCUSED, HANNAH!

Slowly it began to sink in that I had unknowingly entered the parenting rat race. I did what I always do when I panic. I searched for my rock. WHERE’S LARRY?!?

Me: We need to talk. What precedent do we want to set by throwing a super lavish party for our first child when we have 3 more kids who will eventually expect the same? What kind of parents are we? What are we willing to pay more for and what just seems absolutely ridiculous?

Larry: Not looking up from his computer. What kind of prices are we talking about?

Me: Pulls up professional kids bday all inclusive websites and shows prices

Larry: Ummmm no. Not happening. Goes back to looking at his computer.

Me: Right?!? It gets better. How much do you think Ariel made for 1 hour?

Larry: $100

Me: Try 4x that.

Larry: WTF! A wide eyed owl who now makes direct eye contact and holds the stare. 

Me: I’ve got your attention now don’t I?

 

The answer in my heart was, this is all ridiculous for a 4 year old. I don’t know what I’m going to do for an older kids who really really wants something and will remember said something for the rest of his life. But for now, this seems too extravagant for such a young age. Party planning naturally happened from there. I was not renting a venue. I was offended upon finding out you have to pay to rent cement picnic tables at any local park. Backyard party it is.  Do I love professional fondant cakes? Yes. But if I didn’t have a fondant cake for my own wedding, my 4 year old is definitely not getting one. Generic rainbow Costco sheet cake it is; complete with Paw Patrol figurines I found strewn about the house. Food? Probably dominoes and Costco juice boxes and snacks. Alcohol? Yea let’s be cool and have beer because it’s at our house and being a parent at a 4 year old bday party is torture in and of itself. The parents will appreciate a beer. Balloons? I can do them myself. That turned into an even bigger YES, when I learned there is a helium shortage at every balloon store in Los Angeles.

The final section of planning I was stuck on. Entertainment or no entertainment? What I had observed was almost every birthday party we attended there was some form of entertainment– Ariel, a bubble magician, bounce houses, someone facilitating ceramic painting. I realized that when you group a bunch of 4 year olds together outside of their classroom routine they really don’t mingle.  Okay so maybe an hour of entertainment would be worth it. So $400/hr Disney singers are out. But wherever I looked in my area everything was so expensive. Finally, I got a lead on a reasonably priced clown company. According to their website I could book a “cute, bouncy, friendly, approachable and adorable girl clown” as the website described for $120 for 1.5 hrs. Tell me more! I called the owner. She said yes, indeed it was true. This too good to be true female clown would arrive and do balloon twisting, face painting and a magic show for that price tag. Hot damn, I thought. Now I just have to sell the biggest clown hater of all: Larry.

Me: Babe, so remember how I told you Ariel was $400 an hour? I looked at a bunch of other entertainment and it’s all minimum $300 for an hour whether it’s a dressed up character, a singer, a magician etc. But, I found a very multitalented ENTERTAINER who will drive here from OC and do face painting, balloon twisting, AND a magic show for $120.

Larry: Can you show me a website?

Me: Why?

Larry: I’m more of a visual person.

I pull up website

Larry: It’s a clown. Am I understanding this correctly?

Me: Points to description

Me: But did you read it? It’s a “cute, bouncy, friendly, adorable and adorable girl clown”

Larry: I don’t think you mentioned a clown in your opening sales pitch. Does Mateo like clowns? I mean does anyone like clowns? I dunno, babe. Clowns are scary to small children.

Me: I can sell Mateo on this clown. Trust me. We will NEVER find a better deal than this clown. Let’s try it out and I’m tracking budget items so we can see where we land having thrown our first birthday party for the outside world.

Larry: You do remember I’m reading It right now? Is that where you got your inspiration from?

Both laugh

Larry: Okay, discount clown it is.

 

At breakfast the next morning:

Mateo: When is it gonna be MY birthday?

Me: One more month and it’s Paw Patrol backyard bonanza! I hired this really neat entertainer who is coming to make balloon animals, and paint your face and put on a magic show for you and your friends.

Mateo: What’s an entertainer?

Me: Like a person who comes and has a lot of talent…

Mateo: Marshall from Paw Patrol is coming to my party to make balloon animals?

Me: Well not exactly

Mateo: Who is the entertainer?

Me: A “cute, bouncy, friendly, adorable and approachable girl clown”

Mateo: NOOOOOO!

Me: It’ll be so fun. Your friends will love her!

Mateo: I DON’T LIKE CLOWNS!