It was the day of the big party for our oldest. I remember it was unusually hot for LA a full 80 degrees and no breeze. Would we get a good turnout? Locals here are spoiled with a temperature range typically between 65 and 75 degrees, anything above or below that and people have the tendency to cancel social plans and not leave the house. Thirty minutes into the party, I got a text saying Apple Jacks had arrived. I felt like skipping out onto my driveway as I walked to meet her! I had done it! The clown was real and clearly she was professional as she arrived right on time.
My first impression of Apple Jacks was that she was neither “cute,”nor “bouncy,” nor “adorable” but definitely tried her best to be friendly and approachable. Apple Jacks was 6 ft plus flat footed. She had big green clown shoes, and bright green bob wig and traditional/scary white face paint and the classic/scary red bulbous nose. Remaining optimistic, I thought, okay so her look is traditional and she’s tall but if she has a sweet voice the kids will see through the makeup. Wrong. When she began to speak and immediately I thought of an old boss I had. She was a hard partier and sports fanatic and could best be described as tall, aggressive, with a low gravely voice. AJ’s general affect didn’t seem well suited for preschoolers. Prisoners maybe, but not 4 year olds. Wanting to make sure my newest guest was as comfortable as possible, I set her up in a nice chair at the patio table got her ice water and offered her pizza or Costco snacks. Then I removed myself to the periphery to watch her work her magic. Her first move was calling out the birthday boy like a referee carding for physical contact on the court. BIG MISTAKE.
Apple Jacks: Did I hear there was a birthday boy turning 4 at this house?!? Is his name Mateo?!?!?
As soon as the spotlight came upon him, Mateo dashed from the backyard inside to the safety of his own living room. His younger sister quickly followed him. It was as if in a split second and without words, they decided ain’t nobody going to die by clown today. Uh Uh… NO WAY! I bet they would’ve gladly given over their 1 year old younger brother as sacrificial lamb to save their own hides. It all felt like one of those old Mastercard commercials: Apple Jacks the clown? $120. Scaring the shit out of your own kid on his birthday? Priceless.
Most all of the 4 year olds, i.e. my target audience, were scared of Apple Jacks. Could I blame them? She was winning. no one over with that Demi Moore with laryngitis voice. Think Marge Simpson’s smoking sisters. Only the older siblings in attendance dared approach for face painting. So she spent most of her time painting the faces of everyone but the kids in Mateo’s class. I felt bad for the kids, bad for AJ who I’m sure also didn’t want to be there so I tried to gently nudge her along.
Me: Hey, Apple Jacks. Any chance we can do the magic show so everyone feels a bit more comfortable?
The magic show was dominated by one older kid answering all the questions and but the little ones did stay to watch. After the magic show, back she sat down at the patio table to paint faces again. I heard a gasp and the next thing I knew Apple Jacks was flat on her back! She had tipped backwards in her chair. Some of the dad’s hauled her to her feet. I grabbed her more water asked her if she was okay if she needed an ice pack? Suddenly I felt really bad for her. This poor lady sweating her butt off in our backyard in full clown makeup wig and polyester costume. It wasn’t her fault. She’s just trying to make some money for herself. Our chairs are flimsy and if you lean back even a little bit the high backs pull you backwards. I felt terrible and decided she deserved a big fat tip. If not for the discomfort she endured, then for my immediate judgment of her and the hilarity that ensued.
Later that evening, Larry starts cracking up out loud thinking about the the earlier event and the gasps we heard when AJ went down.
Larry: Oh Apple Jacks. HAHA! That was a good one babe.
Me: Laugh it up Chuckles. I’m booking her for YOUR birthday next year.
Have I learned my lesson that you get what you pay for when it comes to entertainment? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I believe that going for the deal and holding on tight for what may come is the spice to life. Right before our wedding I paid a random guy named Frank from and Asian cultural center $300 to put on a traditional dragon dance at the reception. I had no idea what it would be like or how long it would last but the price was right and it was awesome! Roll the dice, and if it all goes sideways? Well, you live to tell the tale.