Okay so there’s 3rd trimester discomfort and irritability you read about all the time: Your belly is big. No amount of pillows can allow you a good nights rest. You have heartburn all day and night. Your hemorrhoids can get so nasty they make you cry from the pain. Varicose veins pulsate in the backs of your legs. Your low back hurts just being in a vertical position. The list goes on and on….

I’m her to tell you there is in fact a level up from this: If you have ANY number of existing kids you have to take care of while experiencing all the standard discomforts of third trimester then welcome to 3rd trimester rage mode. Yes my friends,  I am a sniper waiting in the grass and there is only one individual I set in my crosshairs during this period of pregnancy: My husband.

Literally everything is his fault. I get a pass on healthy communication in my relationship right now because the expectation is he should be a mind reader of the highest order. He should be a hug machine, a masseuse, have a negative sex drive just like me and most of all: He should ANTICIPATE MY NEEDS. Oh and I am the only one allowed to crack jokes because at this point in pregnancy his jokes do nothing but offended me. (Don’t hurt me I’m a delicate flower).

It was a regular Saturday morning. He was finishing morning duty (5am-7am) which he does every morning because he’s a great dad but that is besides the point right now. I roll downstairs disgruntled and out of sorts at 7am. He takes the kids upstairs to our room so he can get ready for the day while they jump on our bed and throw the pillows everywhere and then start jumping off the bed and hurting themselves. Great, I have some time to drink coffee and grumble to myself. I anticipate they will all be upstairs for at least 20 minutes. Plenty of time to call an old girlfriend for a life catch up session. I call her. She answers! Clearly this conversation is meant to be. We’re catching up and I’m feeling like my peppy old self laughing at her stories etc. Then the 2 year old trickles downstairs with a demand to help her get dressed. I follow her into her room and am on my knees dressing her while refusing to let my kids demands end my phone conversation before I’m good and ready. Then through the wall I hear the youngest waking up from morning nap and starting to escalate. Okay I’ve got a good 5 more minutes before he’s full blown screaming. Gonna ride out my high and stay on the phone. Then my husband rolls by the room and says, “Are we letting the baby scream it out now?” Crosshairs on. Target acquired. Enemy will be taken out in 3, 2, 1…

BOOM! Clearly, you see I’m on the phone while changing our daughter and will be moving to get the baby while still on the phone once I’m done because I am a god damned multitasking super hero! You have not only caused excess chatter distracting me from my call but you have failed to read the situation. There were two paths that could’ve saved you  a) taking over dressing the 2 year old without talking to me OR  b) picking up the baby out of his crib and taking him far far away to another room where he cannot see, smell or hear me, still without talking to me.  How can you right this wrong? Read the room. Act accordingly. Anticipate my needs. Oh, you need an example?!? We have no food in this house. We are going into a week with no dinner meals planned or ingredients acquired. In fact I’m hungry right now just thinking about how we have literally NOTHING tasty to eat.

And that my friends is how Saturday beach day became a Saturday family trip to Costco. 🙂