There are so many reasons I love Larry. One being that we complement each other really well. I’m also in the middle of writing my vows which is harder than I thought. All these funny stories come to mind. Funny is great but I need to up the actual FEELINGS part. So feelings will go in vows and funny stories get their place on the blog.

The first time El Nino hit this year, it was dark and stormy for four days straight. San Diego was flooding and people were generally avoiding driving or being stupid by driving with no headlights, driving their cars into unknown depths of “puddles” and flooding their engines. Never would I have believed this when I moved out from Chicago eight years ago, but it is entirely true that mass chaos ensues on the roads during a rainstorm in San Diego. The city has an awful drainage system and equally awful lack of common sense drivers. There are so many accidents and closed roads around the city that it legitimately becomes a pain in the butt to get from point A to point B. Trees are also become a major hazard. They topple onto cars, bisect major roadways and a giant palm frond in the road would be like ramming into a giant branch. I’m telling you about the storm craziness because it set the stage for a weird week. Maybe it was the swirly storm energy in a usually always sunny beach town or maybe the storm was just the backdrop. Either way during this particular week not too long ago a series of equally weird events ensued:

Part I: The Intruder

I got a call from Larry on my drive home from work:

 
Larry in Lord Business tone of voice: I take this as what I’m about to receive is informational in nature and probably time sensitive. “Where are you right now?”

 
Me mimicking Larry’s Lord Business voice in my response. “On my way home from work. Where are you?”

 
“Are you home yet?”

 
“No. Why?”

 
“I got a call from Amazon delivery person who dropped off a package and said our front door is wide open.”

 
Dropping mimic of Lord Business and snapping to. I gasped, “What?!?”

 
“Could you have left the door wide open?”

 
“Well, I mean anything is possible. But I don’t do that. I sometimes put the almond milk in the cabinet and the crackers in the fridge but I don’t leave doors open.”

 
“You did forget to move my car after I reminded you and I got a street cleaning ticket.”

 
“Well, yea there’s those one offs… Well now I’m freaked out. Do I go in? What if someone’s in the apartment? What if they hurt Frankie?”

 
“Call me when you get home. I’ll stay on the phone with you when you go in.”

 
“Okay, love. Call you soon.”

 

 

When I walked up to the front door of our apartment. It was closed and unlocked. The door was not wide open. I called Larry back:

 
“So, the door is closed and unlocked.”

 
“The delivery guy probably shut it out of courtesy. Are you inside?”

 
“No. Baby, I’m scared. I don’t hear Frankie barking. This is why you need to be here!”

 
“He’s probably sleeping. You’re okay, go in and stay on the line.”

 
“Okay, I’m going in.”

 
I opened the door wide before entering letting it swing wide and hit the hinge and didn’t say a word. Drunk on sleep, Frankie staggered down the hall from the back bedroom. I crept over to the knife block and pulled one out. Frankie remained unfazed by seeing me with a kitchen knife in one hand and my cell phone in the other. Worst emotional support dog ever. (Insert eye roll emoji here).

 
“Okay, good news. Dog is safe and he doesn’t seem stressed. So I think we’re fine. However, I still got a knife because you never know.”
“Okay, that’s good. Go check the rooms, the closets, and behind the shower curtains.”

 
“What? I can’t!!

! Baby, I hate this! I hate scary movies.”
Side Note: My roommate leaves her bathroom and room doors closed when she’s gone so I had to open two more doors and check behind two more shower curtains.

 
“You can do this. You do CrossFit every day. Time to put all that lifting to use, baby.”

 
“I don’t actually intend to apply my strength anywhere.”
“Go on. I’ll be right here.”

 
“As what? As witness of my blood curdling scream and death? I’m sweaty. Oh Jesus lord help me.”

 
I slowly turned the knob to my roommate’s room and kicked the door in making the sound of loud GAH- YA sound. Some strange cross between an exhale and Kung Foo movie sound I’d heard once.

 
“Anything?”

 
“No.”

 
“Look in her closet.”

 
“OMG NO! I can’t. Scary. Scary. Scared.”

 
“Go on. I’ll be right here.”

 
“HI_YAA!!! Whew. We good. Closet is clear.”

 
“Okay, shower.”

 
I walked sideways to the part of the shower curtain slightly open. Then did some kind of psycho knife stabbing without looking, air stabbing the fake intruder. Frankie followed me from room to room, tail wagging, as if asking what kind of scavenger hunt are we on?

 
“Shower is clear!” I was gaining the confidence of a regular SWAT team member at this point.

 
“Okay, our shower and closet.”

 
“Clear.”

 
“Okay, back deck?”

 
“Baby, that was not in the original plan!”

 
“Don’t want anyone hiding out there.”

 
“I’m sweaty.”

 
“I know, love, you’re doing great.”

 
I opened the sliding glass door and went “ HELLO!!!!” as loud as I could while kung fu kicking the air. As if the intruder would greet me in return and I’d invite him in for an alcoholic beverage of his choice.

 
“We’re clear.”

 
“Alright. Great job! You did it.”

 
“I’m exhausted.”